I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
