and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
