i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
