I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's shark week go big or go home
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
