I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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