My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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