Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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