Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
