Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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