I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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