Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
