just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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