i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
