i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
only if we run a train.
done.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
