This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
