He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
