genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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