I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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