Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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