Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
