I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
