people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Boobs are out for the taking
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
