So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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