We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
