I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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