If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
