Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
