By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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