Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
