just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
