I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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