sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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