The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
