My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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