How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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