He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
