i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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