I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize