fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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