Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize