Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
