sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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