Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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