I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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