Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
