Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
