Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize