The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
