My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
