i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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