i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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