so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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