I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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