I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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