k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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