everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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