dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
