So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
