I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
