I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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