I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
