please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This baby is an asshole
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
