I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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