Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
