I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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