You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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