There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
