Ambien. No doubt about it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
