so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
