Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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