shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
