This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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