You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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