can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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