yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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