dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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